Hi everyone. Once again, it has been awhile since my last post. Things have been busy in our lives. Carol and Grace are doing great, and Carol has gone back to work. A bit of an adjustment in the house, as Grace and I were spoiled having Carol at home. Grace has adjusted, and Carol is happy with her new job.

I was staining our deck today, and decided it was time to write another entry. As I was working, I started to think about how long 6 years is. To be exact, in regard to the 6 years that I am speaking about, it is 2,192 days, 189,388,800 seconds, 3,156,480 minutes and 52,608 hours. Why am I fixated on 6 years right now? Because it has been 6 years since Kim passed away. May 25, 2003 - May 25, 2009. Six years.

Lots has happened in those 6 years. Lots of feelings. Anger, sadness, happiness. Lots of questions. New life. New wife. New career. Baby girl. New house. Sober.

As I write this, I find it hard to believe that these 6 years have passed. I thought that when Kim died, that time would just stop. The world would stop spinning. But it didn't. The world just kept on moving. That made me mad for the longest time. I just did not want to accept that the world, and everyone living in it, would just pick up and move on like nothing had happened. I guess I finally decided that I needed to jump on and start moving too. I am glad that I jumped back on, but it has been, and continues to be a long road.

When you lose a spouse at such a young age, you end up spending lots of time bouncing between strong feelings that are on opposite ends of the spectrum. Sadness, happiness. Pleasure, pain. Carefree, guilt. Really odd stuff. I mean just think about it. One day you have your life planned out, and the next it just ends. The person you have loved since you were 15, and has been by your side for 16 years dies. Everything that you know, feel, understand, love, cherish, and find comfort in is gone. I still struggle with these feelings. Especially on this anniversary of Kim's death. Should I morn today? Should I be happy for what I have in life today? I will tell you, all it did was make me mad all day. I think that Grace picked up on the vibe in the house, as she was a handful all day. She really pushed my buttons today.

Now that the day is about over, I am feeling better, and realize that it is okay to have this mixed bag of feelings. It is okay to cry today and miss Kim as much as ever, while at the same time being thankful for having her for 16 years of my life...being thankful for Carol and Grace...being thankful for Mom and Dad...being thankful for my old life and new life...my focus on being healthy both physically and mentally...friends...family...golf...my business...being sober...LIFE. I realize that I have much to be thankful for, but that I can also miss what I have lost.

What a day...